Being a 19 year old-boy, yesh, i’m a fucking childish boy, i thought, isn’t easy at all. When i was 8/9, i imagined how to grow up as most of child did. This imagination that gave me hopes to be great man, someday. But, hopes will never be came true, if we just sit and started to day-dreaming. I was trying turn my imagination to be reality. All of the words, critics, and everything that turn me into better person, i did it. But some shit happens, disappoint me today, and sometimes kill my hopes. Here things that disappoint me. I was a shit.
I DECIDED TO LET OTHERS CONTROL MY MIND
I was born to be a thinker, to use my brain, to think. Unfortunately, i used it more than my brain could handle. I really think about everything, what i can/can’t, what i should/n’t say, what i should/n’t do, and also my bad to think what may happen to the others if i did something. The ‘if clause’ got me like “.. i couldn’t do this, my circle would think that i’m..”. And i hate the ‘if clause’ of mine. The ‘if clause’ controls me. I couldn’t express the real of me, a little.
SHY, THAT MAKES MY THOUGHT UNSPOKEN
This things, i ain’t really sure about this, but i’m sure it has relation to my firs point above. Being minder person is hard. The ‘if clause’ makes you worry about what may happen to you later. That things also cause me to mostly silent in every condition -that i thought i wasn’t proper to speak out. I speak out only at what i know a lot, e.g. photography. It doesn’t mean i didn’t know another topics, i just don’t know how to state it. I think it carefully, arrange the words, and wait for the right time. That takes time, a lot. My unspoken words sometimes told through this sites, and the rest was buried. Being silent-man, makes me doesn’t exist in my social and real life.
I was in acceleration class in high school. I supposed to be a first grade university student right now, one year ahead than most of my friend. People said, high school should be a time to have great adventure, social life, teenager time, bad and good time, romance, and another great experience, by your friend’s side. I wasn’t. I take most of those time to catch up with the lesson. I lost -not all, but some of- my adventure, social life time, a little bit than the others who didn’t take that class. Coming for colleague, i’m the youngest boy in the class, sometimes it makes me doesn’t feel comfortable to discuss things with the other.
PORN. FVCK this.
Porn just change my life, my mind, and may also change how my brain works. Influenced since 13, get me crazy. Most of people may say that imagination that caused by porn is the most enjoyed feelings. And i say yes to it, but it turned me into someone worse than before. This really fvcked me up.
Never be like me, never try ‘weird’ things, include porn. It really changes your life and mental. Well, i’m out.